Friday, September 24, 2010

Oh Boy!!

Well here goes nothing. I have been without internet for about a week now and I am slowly going crazy. As I'm writing this from the library's computer and I don't have much time, this is a short post. Really short. When we get internet back I will make a longer post. Who knows it may even have something of interest on it. :)

Later all and Be Well

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Meh

Well it's been a while since I posted anything. What to say? Oh, I don't know.... I hate my life, the way my body looks.

I've supposed to have been writing a letter to my late father about some things that I really don't want to remember, My mother says it will help me to deal with my depressions and issues. I just don't know what to put in the letter. How do I deal with 30 or so years of bad memories and disappointments from the man who was supposed to be my father. I thought he was supposed to love me unconditionally and not necessarily approve of the choices I make in life but to support me in the decisions I do make, even if they are the wrong ones. Do I put it in more detail that he was never really a father to me and that my older brother was more of a father than he would ever be. Ok he came to my graduation from high school, but then it would have been upsetting to my grandma (his mother) if he didn't come, seeing as I was graduating from Shoal Lake where I had been living with her for a year. But even there my older brothers were more visible as authority figures, and everyone could see just how much I idolized them and wanted to make them proud of me. It seemed like every time I tried to make my father proud of me I failed really badly. Sure I graduated from high school but I didn't finish college. I got pregnant by my ex boyfriend who said he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and for me to have an abortion as it was not his anyway. When I got pregnant I was living with him, his second wife, and her kids, whom he had chosen over his own kids to many times to count. I don't even remember what I did to get thrown out of his house and life, they had known for about 3 months before I was kicked out. If we needed something and they needed something well they got what they needed and we did without. I don't want to hate him, I won't dance on his grave like i was telling everyone i would before he died. I actually love him and didn't want him to die at all. I was there at the end for him, I felt his life slip away right beneath my fingers as his heart beat it's last. I don't want to do that again, it's heartbreaking to say the least and really really hard on a person's emotions.

I'll leave it her for now..

Take care and Be Well